did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
