True but thats because hes a fetus.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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