Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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