we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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