we have officially lost it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You left your phone here
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