I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Randomize
