please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
