I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
