So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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