At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
