i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
