I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
