This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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