i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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