Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
