I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
