My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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