Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
