I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
