I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
