did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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