all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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