its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Bang-toberfest begins!!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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