As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
