I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
