I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
