i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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