Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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