someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
