So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
