Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Randomize
