You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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