we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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