Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
