Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
me + whiskey = a bad person
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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