Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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