6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
