I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
