I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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