My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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