Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
