remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
