i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
