When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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