She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You're a disaster
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