May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Those nachos came to me in a dream
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
