thus making me awesome and them whores
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
