Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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