Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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