It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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