Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
