I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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